A brain reframe to stop your people-pleasing habit

When you people — please it’s all about you. How selfish!

Now that’s a reframe to mess with your head.

No, I am not casting everyone who ever slips into people-pleasing mode as an ego-maniac or uncaring type.

I am simply drawing your attention to the self-centred property of people-pleasing.

‘I want… to be liked, loved, approved of.’

The very definition of ‘selfish’ surely.

Selfish: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being ..

You will notice I left a few words off the end.

… ‘without regard for others.’

That part doesn’t fit…

You want to get comments but you also want to be true to you. Is there a non-contrived way to write a catchy post on Linkedin?

Writing a bland fact or two — doesn’t say much about you and might not clamp onto the story receptors in your readers.

How can you increase the impact of your posts in an authentic and original way?

Use the ‘sweet spot of impact’ formula — it works a treat.

What is the ‘sweet spot of impact’?

It is where these overlap

  1. Real you
  2. Real them
  3. Real world

Let me demonstrate by weaving some of my unique story into the mix.

Stories are great at catching and keeping attention.

As Achim Nowak reminds us:

Stories just make sense. They provide a magical way of opening a door into our lives.

To work through the process, I will use a 2021 ‘real world’ news about the collapse of Debenhams — this…


This article looks at what happens when you are presenting online — where the audience is a series of little boxes on a screen.

Online presenting — does that feel better or worse than live presenting?

Hang on.

Let’s not start with that question.

Let’s start with this question.

What makes presenting more enjoyable?

I believe the answer is this:

Presenting either online or to a live audience is more enjoyable when your audience are engaged.

So the next question is:

What does an ‘engaged’ audience look and feel like?

  • They look focused — displaying a ‘listening body language’.

3 Things I learnt from crying at a networking event.

Unplanned crying holds lessons for us all.

Crying with you best mate — fine. Crying at a virtual networking event — is that ok?

Short answer — yes.

Longer answer involves a bit more context.

Let me share a short story of my recent real crying moment and then give you 3 learnings that reach beyond the specific moment in time.

The Tear Trigger

The event was virtual with 10 people. I knew many of them and the host was lovely. A friendly vibe.

So what made me cry?

We started with an original way to get to know each…

No more Networking intro nightmares

Picture the scene

From a screen of face-filled squares your face expands into full screen mode. You have just been put on the virtual stage.


It is your turn to introduce yourself.

You are going to tell people — in 60 seconds — what you do.

This is your big moment. Don’t blow it.

Oh — you just did!

You apologised for not really having a good description of what you do.

You actually said ‘Technically I’m a xxx, but that’s not really a description I like.’


What is going on? You are an intelligent business owner who…

How to stop being afraid of sharing your achievements

Let’s start this exploration of ‘dumbing down’ with a quote from a rather beautiful book — ‘Untamed’ by Glennon Doyle.

Ten is when children begin to hide who they are in order to become what the world expects them to be.

So we start at your start. Your early years.

Not just you though.

Doyle’s argument is that we all get tamed in our childhood and it is down to us to unlock the cage as we get older.

What are the signs that, in your business world at least, that…

How to compare with curiosity — not animosity.

2 different kinds of prickly cactus plants in pots comparing themselves
2 different kinds of prickly cactus plants in pots comparing themselves

How are you comparing?

A question with a double meaning.

Do I mean — ‘How well are you doing — compared to the ‘others’?’

Or do I mean — ‘When you compare yourself with others — how are you doing that comparing?’

We all do the comparing thing — driven by a survival instinct.

Well, that is a sensible thing to do if you are sizing up your enemy in a potential fight to the death.

The problem is, we do it in so many situations where life and death are not…

Question your uninvited and self-stuck labels.

Labels are for canned peaches, not for people. Danielle Krysa

Believing that being yourself won’t limit you is not as easy as it sounds. Every barrier to owning that belief has to be forensically explored — and ‘labelling’ is one of these barriers.

Let’s take a brief look at the uninvited and self-stuck labels and how we can spot the limiting effects — so we are motivated to rip them off!

Labels stuck on by others

How many times did you get labelled as you were growing up?

I am not saying your parents, friends and teachers were being deliberately unhelpful — they were just being human.

You will have used labeling to make a quick explanation…

How Fear makes People-pleasers of us.

Photo by Henrikke Due on Unsplash

Are you over-giving and under-expressing for fear of displeasing and disappointing? Beware your inner people-pleaser child!

Doh! You did it again!

You just said ‘yes’ when you knew you should have said ‘no — nicely!

You are a confident, competent individual — not a doormat!

You are not alone if you keep falling into the all too human ‘people-pleaser’ trap?

But what are the signs, why is it happening and how you climb back out and own your identity and ideas once more?

Get forensic!

How to feel comfortable doing videos and webinars when you can’t see and hear your audience

Admission — I do not have a problem with this! After decades of experience as an actor and speaker — I have simply learnt some skills that apply even when the audience is virtual and invisible.

Does this mean I am too smug to help you?


I get it! I have worked with many clients on this — and the good news is I have reverse engineered the ‘fears’ and I have the mindset/content/delivery tactics for you.

The process I use with clients is based on looking at these 3 ingredients of ‘presenting’ confidence — so let’s use these…

Trisha Lewis

Professional communicator. I help people have impact as themselves. Author — ‘The Mystery of the Squashed Self’. www.trishalewis.com

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