Fear of talking too much.
Is your fear of talking too much holding you back?
Are you a talker? Does the awareness of your tendency to talk a lot at work or in social situations make you fearful of yourself?
You hate dominating conversations or being judged as a boring, self-obsessed show-off. You see yourself as easy to get on with, enthusiastic, and expressive!
Your fear might result in you holding back in a rather awkward way, creating a strange feeling of being detached from your own personality.
You might say — you are ‘self-squashing’ — as in:
What can you do to manage this ‘self-squashing’ fear?
What is driving your ‘fear’?
If you didn’t have the fear, you wouldn’t even be aware of ‘over-talker’ danger. Without the inhibiting factor of ‘fear’, you would talk lots and feel just fine!
Fear — the final frontier!
We humans are wired for fear — and thank goodness we have it when needed for survival — in fact that’s why we still exist as a species I guess.
However, fear is triggered by our inner chatter as well as poisonous snakes slithering toward us.
In the ‘talk too much fear’ case, the inner chatter is something like this:
‘I know I have a habit of putting my foot in it by speaking before I think — please don’t let me do that!’
‘I hate people who dominate conversations and never seem interested in anyone else’s contributions — I would hate to be seen as THAT kind of person.’
‘I don’t want to be boring!’
‘People will think I’m a ‘know-it-all.’
You are fearful of being judged negatively.
What is ‘talking too much’?
Is being ‘a talker’ always bad?
No. Context is all.
When can you let your ‘talker’ out without fear?
- When your amazing storytelling skill is avidly awaited by those around you! You didn’t force anything on the group — they asked for it!
- When you are with a non-talkative friend — and they have always told you how much they love your company — they love listening and love that you are cool with them doing less of the talking!
When do you need to restrain your ‘talker’?
- When you want to show people that you are interested in what they have to say!
- When you know you might ‘over-share’ personal stories — and it is not the time or place to do so! Great video on ‘over-sharing’ by The School of Life.
- When you are with quieter people who need more pauses for reflection.
- When you are with new aquaintances who need to be introduced to your humour and quirks gently!
- When clarity is essential.
- When you are in a ‘distracting’ environment and talking too much (maybe too loudly) might add to the overwhelm!
Is shutting up and nodding nicely the solution?
No!
As with all things communication — balance is the key.
If your internal chatter is:
‘I need to be quiet or else they will think I talk too much.’
‘I need to make this all about them — so they think I am a nice person.’
‘Don’t say that — it might sound stupid. Don’t say that — it might sound rude. Don’t say that — it might sound boastful….’
… then you are a) not present and b) self-squashing!
Of course a healthy degree of ‘impression management’ is needed — but you also need to show people a reasonable amount of ‘authentic you’.
Being a good listener is key — but that doesn’t mean being a people-pleasing wallflower!
Look at this against-the-grain view of Barbara Walters — she doesn’t believe that being a good listener is the main key to ‘the art of conversation’…
I happen to disagree with the well-entrenched theory that the art of conversation is merely the art of being a good listener. Such advice invites people to be cynical with one another and full of fake; when a conversation becomes a monologue, poked along with tiny cattle-prod questions, it isn’t a conversation any more. It is a strained, manipulative game, tiring and perhaps even lonely. Maybe the person doing the talking enjoys himself at the time, but I suspect he’ll have uncomfortable afterthoughts about it; certainly his audience has had a cheerless time.
So — don’t talk too much, don’t talk too little — how the heck to achieve this balance?
NB. Before the practical action tips — just a quick note about certain conditions that might result in ‘over-talking’ — ADHD, Autism,Bipolar and more.
Here is a link to explore this connection further.
Mindset and action tips to try.
Mindset shifts to work through the fear of ‘over-talking’.
You are reading this — you have self-awareness.
You are aware that you sometimes talk too much and aware that you don’t like the idea of being a conversation hogger!
Now dig a little deeper by spotting the possible drivers — such as:
- Enthusiasm.
- I get a pleasure burst when talking about myself! (Interesting research behind this.)
- Been on my own a lot.
- Trying to demonstrate that I am interesting/intelligent/funny etc.
- Over-compensating because I feel ‘socially anxious’ or ‘shy’ — or know that my introvert tendencies can seem like I am being stand-offish.
- Verbalising as I am thinking.
- Worrying that I am not going to get my point over before being interrupted.
Consider the FIBs (fears, illusions and baggage).
Do you associate talkative people with ‘powerful’ or ‘charismatic’ people?
- Has experience embedded this idea in your head — ‘To be popular I must be the centre of attention.’
- Have you swallowed the myth that ‘extroverts’ are more successful in life?
Knowing the drivers and triggers is a great start to understanding and managing the ‘fear’ of talking too much.
Why bother?
This fear holds you back — squashes you.
Actions to try when you have an uncomfortable sense that you are talking too much:
- Be human — acknowledge your tendency to talk to much!
‘Please just stop me if I repeat myself/go on too long/start rambling … I can get a bit carried away!’
‘Enough about me! I want to know …..’
2. Practice pausing more! This takes a deliberate effort — and you trusting that you will be able to come back to the other things you want to say!
3. Activate your ‘detective mindset’. This means listening with real curiosity and remaining present and alert for things said that you want to delve into more. Listen, ask, develop, ask, listen…
4. Consider making a note of things you want to express or find out — so you don’t get tempted to interrupt the flow.
5. Be the one that recognises unevenly balanced input from the group — watch out for body language from those around you.
6. Repeat an inner mantra — ‘less is more’ — because it pretty much always is when it comes to talking!
Do not endeavor to shine in all companies. Leave room for your hearers to imagine something within you beyond all you have said.
By the way — you are not alone!
Stay curious and unsquashed.
Unsquashing resources.
TEDx — Beware the Self Squashing Prophecy
Non Fiction book — ‘The Mystery of the Squashed Self’.
Podcast — Self Belief Unsquashed. (and all pod platforms).
Connect on LinkedIn.
